Much ado about nothing...

Much ado about nothing…and I really mean nothing.

I woke up today in a state of loss. Notice I have to use the word ‘today’? Because by the time I finally opened my eyes to this flowery world (which is a crappy adjective because my room is messy, dirty, cramped…anything but flowery), it was half past noon. I dislike waking up late. I feel short changed…it’s like my day seems already spent even before I’ve done anything fruitful. Hmmm…but then again, it really isn’t as if I’ve got anything earth-shatteringly purposeful to do.

Since my mom wasn’t at home, I promptly lit a cigarette right smack in the middle of my bed and rejoiced in my little perk from the nicotine. In case you were wondering, no, I haven’t brushed my teeth at that particular moment yet. Go on, call me a ‘swine’, a ‘dirty pig’, etc etc. One fag before brushing my teeth probably doesn’t make my teeth as yellow as your piss. And just in case you were not wondering, I brush my teeth religiously twice a day. Ah…it’s been a while since I’ve been so profane towards my tooth brushing duties.

I felt hungry so I went to grope around the kitchen for something to eat. My treasure hunt around the kitchen didn’t reap any exciting results. Cornflakes, instant noodles, bread, honey-baked ham, nutella, bits and pieces… nothing interesting. I was rather tempted to toast some bread with the honey-baked ham. But just for your information, especially those who just called me a ‘dirty pig’, I decided not to eat my own kind. Being dirty is one thing, being a cannibal is another thing altogether. Well, let’s just say I find bread-toasting a troublesome affair.

I took out a spoon and fed myself generous scoops of nutella. My mom totally objects to that, but if we keep our lips sealed, nobody will find out, right? I wallowed in self-pity as I sat before the television (which really wasn’t showing any nice programmes despite 60 channels…I ended up watching some gorillas having sex on a National Geographic documentary) as I ate my breakfast cum lunch and perhaps cum dinner. Oh what plight! Oh what hunger! Oh what sadness! Old McDonalds had a farm e ya e ya oh! Damn it, every household needs a woman around to whip up three square meals a day. Every decent bloke ought to get a girlfriend to cook him some favourite dishes when he is hungry. But wait, I’ve got no girlfriend in the first place. That must mean I’m indecent?!? Okay, in this era and at this time, it would be more politically correct to say that every household needs a maid. And every guy, decent or otherwise, still needs to eat. Don’t start calling me a male chauvinist ‘pig’… I hate that bloody pink animal anyway.

But hunger is not something so easily satisfied by the less than nutritious chocolate spread. A hungry man is an angry man. If you would just stop telling me how unmanly I may sound (it really is a matter of the writing style), then, I really was quite fed up at not having anything proper to eat. So I told myself: ‘dOminiC, you’ve gotta be strong now…just fucking crawl downstairs and buy yourself something to eat!’

Seriously, I believe actions speak louder than words. Er…actually in this context it’s not true since eating, for me, is more or less a quiet matter. But anyway, somehow I went downstairs (during which I fagged again) and went to the coffee shop to get myself the absolutely delicious, exhilaratingly gastronomic, sensually colourful, ridiculously tasty…………wanton noodles. Really, the name of the noodles says it all. I love it. I’m filled with a certain degree of wantonness now. Tough luck, I’m on a tight budget. In case you didn’t already know, one of the ingredients of wanton noodles is char siew. Talk about Cannibalism.

Anyway, the Auntie selling me the noodles (coincidentally, she is a woman) noticed my long locks are gone and asked: ‘Eh boy, 你剪头发 ar?’

BUT… being the vain and superficial person I am here is how I interpreted it: ‘Eh boy, why you go and cut this CB hair?’

Which reminds me…Well, you might really be curious why I am not using the persona of the boy or the third person narrative I’m usually so fond of using. Come on, he is burnt out from blogging rubbish, so cut him some slack. Who the fuck is the boy anyway? Why does he always seem to have some issues?

I ate my noodles, albeit silently, and fagged my third ‘after-meal’ cigarette. The world seemed at peace again. Oh gone is my plight! Oh gone is my hunger! Oh gone is my sadness! Oh Suzanna, oh don’t you cry for me!

Thereafter, I decided to go for a swim. Though that means being immersed in chlorinated water which is bad for the hair, swimming is the only exercise which doesn’t make me feel like I’m sweating. I waddled about in the not-so-deep end for a while and clambered out shivering with cold. Mr Sun was sleeping on his job. Is he burnt out too? I really ought to cut him some slack…he has been burning on for the past few million years already.

Anyway, I was smoking by the poolside, trying to absorb the comforts from what little warmth my cigarette could provide when a pompous looking management officer approached me with two security guards and told me this was a no-smoking area by law. Fine…so I walked five paces away to the edge of the boundary of the poolside, found a nice spot and continued smoking. I am truly, a law abiding citizen. Okay, maybe I jay walk sometimes but that’s not counted.

But some buggers just don’t give up. The arrogant bastard came over and harassed me with further questions in his self important tone. He asked if I was a resident staying here. That really was a dumb question. Why in the world would anyone not staying in the estate drone nothing but a bathrobe and come swimming in the pool? Then he asked for my resident pass. Didn’t bring it along, so I flashed him my door access card and told him to go up with me if he really wanted to see my resident pass that badly. What a fucking idiot…

Next, he tried to tell me in his inarticulate English that the no-smoking law applies to all swimming pools, blah blah blah. I grew quite impatient and angry. (Although I was no longer hungry by then) So I asked him if it was agreeable to smoke where I was, at the boundary of the poolside. He said it was okay, and hoped I would cooperate next time. So I questioned him the rationale behind the law. I mean…what fucking difference does it make to smoke where I originally was and here, at the boundary? It is fucking only 5 paces away you bloody obnoxious dumb-ass.

He gave me one hell of a cunt answer. He said people smoking inside the boundary might fall asleep and the cigarette might then melt the plastic tables and chairs within the boundary, causing the management to incur extra costs. Er…excuse me, what kind of brainless cock answer is that? I gave up trying to argumentative with him. He isn’t worth it. I really hate to discriminate, but I only speak with people who are intelligent enough to know that people who are smoking do not fall asleep simultaneously, especially not by the swimming pool and clad in their swimming attire.

So I told him I understood (I hate to lie too, but I didn’t feel like wasting any more time with him) and went to the toilet. When I returned, I overheard him commenting to the security guards, in a tone laced with triumphant ego: ‘This is professionalism, must tell him. If he don’t listen then scold him. If he still don’t listen then…’.

Then what? Then shut the fuck up. Look, the singular pronoun ‘he’ is followed by ‘doesn’t’, not ‘don’t’. Get that right. And what does he know about professionalism? Professionalism my ass. He knows nothing but tries to act as if he is some wise sage with boundless knowledge and superior authority to throw around. Little does he realise that doing so makes him more silly than he already is. Mind you, my dad, like all other residents, pays him to work for us. So loosely speaking, he is merely a hired employee so he really shouldn’t get too cocky. And I swore to myself that if he dares try to scold me, his life will be miserable. Very miserable. But then again, I decided that such people are not worth my time. Not to mention, I am an obedient and law abiding citizen.

Now now… let them live in their own disillusioned world. I can’t be bothered with them. Now now…I went back home and read my book till now. Now now…者么我一直狂打喷嚏，在凌晨三点二十六分，let me sing, let me sing a song 陪你如睡。Yawn…going to brush my teeth now. What a day with much ado about nothing!