Monster!

‘The more I write, the less substance I see in my work. The scales are falling off my eyes. It is tolerably awful. And I face it, I face it but the fright is growing on me. My fortitude is shaken by the view of the monster. It does not move; its eyes are baleful; it is as stale as death itself--- and it will devour me. Its stare has already eaten into my soul deep, deep. I am alone with it in a chasm with perpendicular sides of black basalt. Never were sides so perpendicular and smooth, and high…’
Collected Letters Volume 2, Joseph Conrad.

How correct is Joseph Conrad! The more I try to write, the less quality I feel it has. Perhaps the ‘monster’ he so mentions refers to his writer’s block he experienced when he was in his bout of depression, but the ‘monster’ that I now feel is entirely different, though I thought it seems to fit his description.

The contents and stylistics of my writing is not so much affected by an in-competency in expression, but rather by the whole dynamics which goes on behind the writing process. Sometimes putting 300words to form a composition can take me hours not because I fumble with language, but because I stumble upon this ‘monster’. With entries that I post on the blog, I am forced to rationalise my thoughts, my words and my actions. And in doing so, my posts are effectively cold, and my words are desperately emotionless. Good god, it is as stale as death itself…

The whole process of writing throws my world into turmoil. No doubt, I have a passion for writing; never mind if I alone consist of their sole readership. But what have I got to write?

The accusation of me being argumentative is the partial truth. I have written against my friend’s ideology, against consumerism, against policies, against the people around me, against rigid teaching methods, ad infinitum. They are often a mixture of nominative facts and personal opinions and prejudices. Whether they are constructive or otherwise remains unresolved.

Ironically, the fact that I am arguing (albeit with myself) about why I am argumentative is only a partial truth actually already exposes my argumentative nature.

However, there is clarity of purpose here. To hold an argument stems from having objections to the proposed topic or suggestion. My arguments give voice to why I disagree. Disagreeing is often taken negatively, but to me, it is simply another mode of communication.

Yet it seems to me that being argumentative in a tactless fashion can be dangerous for reasons two-folds. Firstly, despite freedom of expression being highly emphasized in this era of democracy and human rights, there still is oppression such that legal action can be taken against the things we say about institutions of the higher order. The hypocrisy is ‘tolerably awful’.

Secondly, being argumentative is viewed as a character flaw. It is a compromise on a person’s character because it makes him appear to come on too strongly. It gives the impression that the person is too self-opinionated to accept other’s views or has a pressing issue in trying to win.

But why should I live in a world where I cannot even say what I wish to say or convey how I feel? But why should I live in a world where I have to passively submit to disorientated or incorrect ideologies? But why should I live in a world where I have to give in to another person’s views when it is in total conflict with my own?

The first danger of being argumentative requires a certain degree of self-control to keep in check. I am not afraid to speak my thoughts on controversial political figures or government policies or related topics. But to face the ensuing apprehension would risk the last straw of freedom which I cling onto now---that is, at least I am not in jail. It is an unworthy cause and I would choose avoidance.

It is the second danger which is upsetting. Consider, what do I stand to gain from winning an argument, if it could ever be won in the first place? It does not feed my ego to make someone speechless in the face of an argument. Neither does it make me feel superior for defeating someone in a duel with words. As a matter of fact, I have much more to lose. I might lose my temper, I might lose a friend and worst of all, I might lose myself as such when ‘my fortitude is shaken by the view of the monster’.

The ‘monster’ in question here, is my conflict of having an individualised need to be argumentative as a medium of disagreeing versus societal negativity and the back-lash of being argumentative.

All I ever wanted, was to tell them what my mind was thinking, how my heart was feeling and what my soul wanted to communicate. Now, the entrapment is eating at the very substance of my writing because I cannot write very freely.

I am alone with it in a chasm…